i am not what i appear.

life is never as easy as it seems, people are not who they appear to be, and your words hurt more than you could ever know. sometimes all that gets me through are my friends, Jesus, and my music. i may seem tough and mean, but i feel alot more than i show. believe me, those "little digs" or "harmless jokes" you throw around like cheap candy make a very big impact. they play through my head 24/7, day and night, even when i'm at my happiest. i know that i am not the nicest person or i seem like a female dog, but its mostly a front. if you only how much i hurt. how close i am to tears most of the day. how much i just want to go home and sleep or hide somewhere to escape it all. but i can't. i have to deal with people who have no idea what is going on in my life so they just say whatever pops into that tiny little useless brain of theirs.

i usually say some of what i feel, if its mean or makes someone think twice before saying whatever they want to me, but i dont say HALF of what i think. trust me. you have noooo idea.

i felt like i needed to explain my attitude and personality, because i get taken the wrong way so many times because people see what the want to and hear the same. if you had to live in my shoes for a day, a week, a month, you would understand. my life is not as it appears. no ones is. take my advice and i will too. think twice before you just say whatever. it could be "the piece of hay that broke the camel's back". nough said.

He's Always On My Mind.

There are so many things to say on my first attempt at blogging, or even writing without being forced to in general. The thing that has been most on my mind lately has been God, actually. I'm not used to this, not at all. Most of the time, I just go about my daily life, not really paying attention to Him unless someone says something offensive, which is ironic because half of the stuff that comes out of my mouth is offensive. haha. but lately, He's been on my mind alot. and its not a bad thing. i notice that i'm acting better and as much like a fool. hahahaha. but then again, its alot more difficult to do the things and not feel bad about not giving Him the time of day. i mean, for pete's sake, He's supposed to be like my husband and most of the time i hardly give Him a second thought.

Lately, i've really been getting into youth group and worship. i've been trying to read my bible and talk to God on a daily basis, but i'm not the best at it. i notice that when i go to read it something always comes up, or i just don't feel like it, or whatever excuse i come up with. my day is always better and i'm usually pretty calm and in a good mood if i get to read my bible. for those of you who know me, it is rare for me to be calm or in a good mood, but i'm trying to fix that. me and bestie Kayla have started doing a weekly bible study, and it really helps.

i notice that i have this great yearning to read my bible alot. and when i pass it up for something else, i feel depressed and grouchy. the Word is like a soothing balm to my soul, corny as that may seem. worship and Jesus time and my bible calm me down faster than anything else ever has or ever will. i'm starting to get really excited about it.

i can pretty much guarantee that 98% of my blogs will be nowhere near as nice or God-centered as this blog is, but that's okay. i never said i was perfect. in fact, i am faaaaaaaaaaaaar from it. just to let you know. this is my first post but it wont be my last(:

-SavannahElaine